Fuckboys vs Softboys

Fuck boys are lame. Sofboys are worse, and I’m not using that term loosely. The Tab recently posted an article about a ‘SoftBoy’ and I never realised that my ex was the latter.

To be honest, I would rather date a fuck boy because at least they’re up front about what they want.
Softboys are way worse. They’re nice to you, they befriend you, and then accuse you of leading them on if you don’t want to be romantically involved with them. Or, you decide to choose the nice guy for once and they end up being the worst, and dullest, mistake of your life.
So to my ex boyfriend, the soft boy… you assumed that I owed you sex because you saw us as being ‘in a relationship’, despite the fact that we didn’t go on one single date. You spent more time with your friends than me but got mad if I did the same. You slept all the time and smoked too much weed. What happened to the ambitious, proactive and free spirited guy I wanted to spend time with? Why did he disappear after one day? Why did you stop trying?
I do not owe you sex because we are in a relationship. You didn’t do anything productive with me to earn it. You didn’t compromise, you didn’t listen, you didn’t do ANYTHING. So no, I am not obliged to sleep with you just because we are dating. 
I’m tired of dating. I just want my lobster to realise that he’s my lobster, so I can get out of this insane lifestyle, and start the greatest adventure of my life. 

On The Hook

Did you ever watch that episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Ted Moseby talks about being kept on The Hook or keeping someone on The Hook? 

Well I am here to tell you that he is absolutely right. 

Although it doesn’t go into as much detail as the TV program does (for example, I don’t give foot rubs or feed people chocolate cake and spoon them) but I too, am on The Hook.

Being on The Hook means you keep someone around because you give the illusion that you intend to date them, when in reality, you have no intention of being in a real relationship with said person.

For example, Kyle* is a friend of mine who has a girlfriend, but he keeps Becky* around because he knows that she likes him, and he can get things out of her that he might not be getting from his partner, such as someone to go to live music events with, someone to watch Star Wars with, someone to guilt-free eat booze cheesecake with. Being on The Hook is just a gentler term for being lead on, I’ve learned. 

I have someone on my Hook, whom I have no intention of dating, but I keep them around for a confidence boost and a free drink now and again. It’s tricky, because on my side of it, I’m not doing anything wrong, I’ve held no promise of a relationship, but I still keep them around because they are a person I need to have surrounding me.

I’m not saying it’s right, but everyone has one, and that’s just the way it goes.

If you don’t have someone on The Hook, then you’re probably on The Hook yourself. 

Peace y’all ✌🏽️

How to be single:

This is my guide to dating at the age of 22, not single and alone, single and dating and having fun and being careless and free ad excited all the time.

  • Date outside of your friendship group: honestly I cannot stress this enough, and take it from someone who knows what they’re talking about. It is so exciting to meet new people, but you have to give yourself a chance to meet them, and stay away from the people you already know.
  • Delete your tinder profile: that goes without saying though, right? If you’re looking for something more than hooking up, Tinder is not the way forward.
  • Delete your ex’s number: calling them every time you’re drunk only screams that you’re emotionally unavailable, so delete their number and kick their ass to the curb!
  • Let go of past relationship issues: bringing your trust issues and anger at your ex into a new relationship is a recipe for disaster. 
  • Don’t have sex on the first date: just don’t. You need to have an air of mystery about you, I usually wait 5-7 dates, depending on how I feel about the other person. Some other people I only only wait for 3 dates. 
  • Don’t date your siblings friends or your friends siblings: that just puts your sibling or your friend in an awkward position, because what if it doesn’t work out?
  • Try new things that will help you meet new people: such as rock climbing, ice skating etc. This will help you learn a new skill AND meet singles who like to do the same things. 
  • Go to singles nights: they might seem lame, but you meet new people who will want the same things as you.
  • Date someone who isn’t your usual ‘type’: plus let’s face it, that’s probably where you’ve been going wrong for most of your dating life.
  • Organise a group date with you and a couple you know: the couple would know who would be good for you, and the group date makes it feel less date-y, so you both feel less pressure.
  • Ask a friend to set you up: but only one who really knows you, or else you could get stuck with someone who is totally wrong for you, but feel pressured to keep up the pretence since your friend worked so hard to find them for you.
  • Delete that guys number who only wants to see you at 2am: did Ted Moseby teach you nothing? Nothing good ever happens after 2am. Delete the number.
  • Just, put yourself out there: people are drawn into approachable people, so just make sure you’re trying.

Hope these work out for some of you. I’ll let you know if they work for me.

The Friend Zone: what is it?

What is the ‘friend zone’ and why is it such a foreign concept to me?

Does the ‘friend zone’ actually exist, or is it just something that people make up because somebody doesn’t want to date them?

I think that girls and guys handle rejection so differently. If I’m pursuing someone, but they don’t feel the same way, I might cry into a bowl of ice cream and then move on from it. However, if a guy is pursuing a girl, but she doesn’t feel the same way, he accuses her of ‘leading him on’ because he’s in the ‘friend zone.’

Who created this concept of the ‘friend zone?’ Why can’t people just be friends? Someone can be nice to me, and I don’t assume they want to sleep with me, but if the shoe is on the other foot, someone may only be nice to me because they think I’ll sleep with them in return.

So, tell me, do you only befriend me with the hopes of getting into my pants? The joke is on you, because I’m awesome, regardless of if I am sleeping with you or not.

Essentially, the term doesn’t exist. It is made up, fraudulent, something millenials came up with, but sometimes the need to categorise things is so strong. For arguments sake, let’s say there are 5 categories related to the ‘friend zone’.

  • 1) Someone may be in the ‘friend zone’ because one member of the party is in a relationship. If both members of the party were single, then there is a strong chance that they would hook up. So maybe, you’re in the ‘friend zone’ because the other person isn’t ready to be with you yet, in which case they are keeping you on their Hook (which is for another day, another blog post.)
  • 2) I’m just not attracted to you, but you’re cool so I like to spend time with you anyway. This mostly common in standard friendships, but relating to a previous blog post of mine, if one or both members of the friendship is good looking, charming and funny, the other person will have thought about them in a romantic way, even if just for a split second. Now that is certainly different than befriending someone because you want to bone them. That is wanting to bone someone because you’re friends with them, and you’ve seen how amazing the other person is.
  • 3) I put you in the ‘friend zone’ because we work together/have classes together/are in the same friendship group and it would be SUPER awkward if we hooked up. This one is very common, and it is very sensible to avoid any awkwardness and to keep the friendship at arms length to avoid any confrontation or complications.
  • 4) We aren’t the same culture or religion, so my family would never accept us. this one is more of a respect thing to your parents, and something I have never had to deal with.
  • 5) We are basically family. And I don’t mean ‘you’re like a brother to me’ I mean, we grew up together, side by side, shared baths together and it would literally be like incest if we dated. However, these things are usually mutual, and there fore the ‘friend zone’ doesn’t occur.

With the above statements, and special shout out to TJ for his brilliant words of wisdom, all it takes to ruin these friendships is one too many shots of tequila and a night of regret to follow. So you have to ask yourself, does this mean we’re friends? Or do we actually want more from each other, which is why we keep the other around?

And then we have the worst term in the world: fuckboys. (Sorry for the swear.)

Fuckboys are notorious for being unable to communicate with a girl until after midnight, they usually have a girlfriend or a piece on the side, and end most of their text messages with a wink emoji.

But don’t lie, everyone has a favourite.

I’ll do a separate post on why I think fuckboys are important at a later date, but for now, thank you for tuning in, and please feel free to leave a comment on what you think of the ‘friend zone’.

A letter to the one that got away

A letter to The One That Got Away
Dear _______________,

     You came into my life with a bang. I felt instantly drawn to you, because from the get go, I knew you were going to change my life. And you did. But you were always unavailable, and I wasn’t about to change that.

     Until the day that you kissed me. We were drunk, but of course my head was clear. I wasn’t even sure if it had happened, and then it happened again. Our heads were pushed together, and then I just couldn’t let go. 

     For a few days after that, things were awkward, and I could feel you slipping through my fingers, so I tried to cling on for dear life. You let me. Then the awkwardness slipped away and we reached some kind of normality again. 

     I allowed myself to rekindle our friendship, and that would be all. I tried not to stay up all night thinking about you, and I actively tried my damn hardest to accept that you would never be with me. 

     And then one day, you COULD be with me. You were available, and so was I. There was nothing to stop us, yet something still did. We did all that we could without getting feelings involved, but unfortunately it was too late for me, and I fell in love with you.

     You disappeared for a while after we spent the night together. I was devastated. Because I’d allowed myself to fall for you this time. And I was an inconsolable mess for the longest time. Had I misread your signals? Probably. Had I got in over my head? Definitely.

     But mostly I just missed my friend. We were close. You listened to me, soothed my anxiety, debated with me, stopped me making a fool of myself, except when it came to you. And every time I saw you after that, I wondered if you were thinking the same things as me. 

     And now you’ve met someone else. Maybe I should have told you how I felt, actively put myself in the game and given myself a fair chance to win your affections. Now I’ll have to wait again. 

     I just don’t think that I can wait forever. 

The types of guy you date in your 20s

The gym addict: 
This is the guy who will encourage you to sign up for a gym membership, and because he is cute and available you do it. You get to watch him lift weights, you get into shape too, then you will get post-gym smoothies and maybe make out in his car between workouts. 

The hipster guy:
This guy will keep you on your toes because he is so distant and aloof. He will take you to poetry readings and the cat cafe, where you’ll talk about being SO creative, politics and music. You might get bored or scared discussing these issues.

The grunge guy:
This is the guy who will take you to see live music, probably a soft-rock-indie band that you have no desire to see, but you go anyway because he’s cute and you like watching people perform.

The ultimate fuckboy:
STAY AWAY FROM THIS BOY AT ALL COSTS. HE ONLY WANTS TO SLEEP WITH YOU AND THEN LEAVE YOU, OR WORSE, HE’LL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AND SEND YOU DICK PICS OVER SNAPCHAT.

The nice guy:
This is the guy you date when you’re tired of the other guys. Quite frankly, this is a mistake because the nice guy is too tame and you have no chemistry, so where is your sense of adventure?

The fake nice guy:
This is the guy who pretends to be really nice, he will win over your friends and even some of your family. He’ll treat you with respect and compassion and you will find yourself really falling for this guy, only for it to be revealed three months later that he already has a girlfriend , and you end up kicked to the curb like a rubbish bag.

The friend of a friend:
You date this person because your friends are tired of watching you chase the wrong guys. You feel obliged to stick the relationship out for a short period of time, even though your heart isn’t 100% in it.

The hopeless stoner:
This guy will invite you over to his house to smoke weed and play video games. The trouble is, he will lose his motivation and you will get bored.

The emotionally unavailable guy:
This guy has a fear of commitment, and you will keep your guard up. Let’s face it, these types of relationships are NOT healthy. 

The life of the party:
This is the guy that everyone knows/wants to know. He has already hooked up with most of the girls in his friendship group and now he’s landed on you. He will introduce you to his friends, but the girls will immediately hate you. But he is sociable, charming and fun so you’ll fall for him anyway.

The guy who’s great in bed but not good for much else:
This is the guy you can use for sex. He’ll use you too, and you’ll only see him between 1 and 3am. He has no personality so who cares anyway right?

The guy you can’t tell anyone about:
This guy is so vile and awful that you can never admit to anyone that you’re seeing him. Everyone you know hates him, but for some reason that only makes you want him more.

The guy you can bring home to meet your family:
Hopefully this guy will be the last that you date, or the one that you date forever.

I don’t like labels, but this one is fine

Usually, I really hate labelling myself. To feel like you’re stuck in one category is very limiting, like I’m more than just ‘a nerd’ or whatever.

But there’s one label that I do enjoy. I enjoy being Bisexual. I enjoy being categorised like that, it makes the stigma easier to deal with if I know what I am and what I’ll have to deal with.

I first realised I liked girls in a non friendly way when I was 10, because I had my very first kiss with a girl in my Year 5 class. We used to play Mum’s and Dad’s and I would always get stuck playing the dad. One day, this girl and I were playing together in my room and I asked her ‘do your mum and dad kiss?’ And she said ‘yes sometimes, do yours?’ To which I replied ‘yeah sometimes’ – there was a brief pause in the conversation which is when I suggested that our game needed to feel more realistic so we added kissing into it.  And I’m not talking about just a peck on the lips.

I used to think I hated this girl, now I can reflect and I realise I wanted to be more than friends with her. She used to think that it was just in the game.

Flash forward to when I’m 17, and at sixth form. There was a girl in the year above who I had a crush on, and one day we hung out at lunchtime in a nearby park. We sat on the swing sets and gossiped and laughed and got really close. One day the two of us are at the same party one evening and in a drunken stupor she kissed me. I was blown away, because I didn’t realise that girl crushes could be retaliated. I’d never experienced that with a girl before. I’d never been knowingly desired by a girl who I desired back. But by the next day, the dream was over. The girl had told me that she was ‘way too drunk’ and that it was just practise for the real thing, which, in her eyes, was with a guy.

Even though it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I owe this girl a lot. Yeah I was hurt, but, I realised who I was. 

For 3 years after that, I ignored labels and did as I pleased, but I generally dated guys because it was easier. And I still find it easier to date guys, but, that doesn’t make me any less of a bisexual. 

It wasn’t until last year that I fully admitted it to myself. ‘Josie, you like guys, AND you like girls. And that’s ok.’ So I started to tell people. I confided in my housemates, my best friends, other gay people I knew. I downloaded Tinder and changed my preferences to ‘men and women.’ I updated my Facebook information that said which gender I am interested in. I did slight, subtle things like that, instead of openly admitting it, because I was terrified.

The news has slowly made its way around my family, and I don’t really know how they feel about it. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t change who I am. It’s just a label. 

I mostly think my family think it is ‘just a phase’ but since officially coming out this year, I have tried to make it clear that although I dated a boy this summer, there is a chance that I could have a wife one day. 

I wouldn’t say I’m 50/50. I don’t know if there are statistics on things like this. I know that I’m happiest now that I’ve accepted the label, and hope that the people I love can see that, and accept it too. 

If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I’m dying to be more interactive with my followers and for my friends and family members who read this to understand me better, to not just think that I’m going through a phase or attention seeking or whatever. That’s not what this is.