Usually, I really hate labelling myself. To feel like you’re stuck in one category is very limiting, like I’m more than just ‘a nerd’ or whatever.
But there’s one label that I do enjoy. I enjoy being Bisexual. I enjoy being categorised like that, it makes the stigma easier to deal with if I know what I am and what I’ll have to deal with.
I first realised I liked girls in a non friendly way when I was 10, because I had my very first kiss with a girl in my Year 5 class. We used to play Mum’s and Dad’s and I would always get stuck playing the dad. One day, this girl and I were playing together in my room and I asked her ‘do your mum and dad kiss?’ And she said ‘yes sometimes, do yours?’ To which I replied ‘yeah sometimes’ – there was a brief pause in the conversation which is when I suggested that our game needed to feel more realistic so we added kissing into it. And I’m not talking about just a peck on the lips.
I used to think I hated this girl, now I can reflect and I realise I wanted to be more than friends with her. She used to think that it was just in the game.
Flash forward to when I’m 17, and at sixth form. There was a girl in the year above who I had a crush on, and one day we hung out at lunchtime in a nearby park. We sat on the swing sets and gossiped and laughed and got really close. One day the two of us are at the same party one evening and in a drunken stupor she kissed me. I was blown away, because I didn’t realise that girl crushes could be retaliated. I’d never experienced that with a girl before. I’d never been knowingly desired by a girl who I desired back. But by the next day, the dream was over. The girl had told me that she was ‘way too drunk’ and that it was just practise for the real thing, which, in her eyes, was with a guy.
Even though it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, I owe this girl a lot. Yeah I was hurt, but, I realised who I was.
For 3 years after that, I ignored labels and did as I pleased, but I generally dated guys because it was easier. And I still find it easier to date guys, but, that doesn’t make me any less of a bisexual.
It wasn’t until last year that I fully admitted it to myself. ‘Josie, you like guys, AND you like girls. And that’s ok.’ So I started to tell people. I confided in my housemates, my best friends, other gay people I knew. I downloaded Tinder and changed my preferences to ‘men and women.’ I updated my Facebook information that said which gender I am interested in. I did slight, subtle things like that, instead of openly admitting it, because I was terrified.
The news has slowly made its way around my family, and I don’t really know how they feel about it. It doesn’t change me. It doesn’t change who I am. It’s just a label.
I mostly think my family think it is ‘just a phase’ but since officially coming out this year, I have tried to make it clear that although I dated a boy this summer, there is a chance that I could have a wife one day.
I wouldn’t say I’m 50/50. I don’t know if there are statistics on things like this. I know that I’m happiest now that I’ve accepted the label, and hope that the people I love can see that, and accept it too.
If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I’m dying to be more interactive with my followers and for my friends and family members who read this to understand me better, to not just think that I’m going through a phase or attention seeking or whatever. That’s not what this is.