22

22

I came to a realisation last night, that I DON’T need to have my life figured out yet. For some reason I always felt like I needed to. 

I’m not even 22 yet. Why am I searching so hard to find The One? Why am I desperate for The Career, the one that will change my life? Why am I physically draining myself from the stress I put myself under? 

I’ll tell you why: Society. 

Society dictates success with happiness, that you aren’t living a worthy life if you aren’t in love, or if you don’t have an amazing post graduate career. 

News flash, my life isn’t an Instagram account. I don’t need to have a ‘post worthy’ future. 

I’m not even 22 yet. And it is okay that I don’t have my life figured out yet. It’s okay that I’m still chasing bad boys and nannying and living at home with my parents. It’s okay that I still like to go out partying at the weekends and that I will kiss a stranger or make a bad choice. I’m 22, and I don’t have my life figured out yet. 

I don’t know why it took me so long to realise this. But that doesn’t matter, because now that I’m aware, I can live my life in the Now, and not worry so much about my future yet. Right now, I’m just happy to be a nanny, and fall for the wrong people, and write for my blog twice a week. If I don’t succeed right away then that is okay. The future is dark, and I don’t want to have to think about it more than I need to. And right now, I don’t need to. 

Sadness :( 

Sadness :( 

     I’ve never opened up about this before. Not so publicly anyway. I just feel like it is an important issue that needs to be raised, because someone needs to say it. 

It’s ok to be sad sometimes.
     There is so much stigma around mental health issues, and I know that I personally feel like I have to hide my problems away, instead of being open about them. 
     The media put so much pressure on people to be perfect and whenever somebody does break, they ridicule them for it, and call them ‘crazy’.

     Crazy is a not a nice word.

     So I’m here to say, it’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to let your feelings cloud your mind and take a ‘mental health day’. It’s okay to cry into your bowl of cornflakes. It’s okay to stay in bed all day. It’s okay to put your sadness first sometimes, just as long as you make room for the happiness to. 

     Sometimes we have to cry an ocean full of tears to make room for a rainbow full of smiles.

     I’ve been sad. And sometimes I still am sad. More often than not I am really fucking sad. Depression is a nasty, nasty thing. It’s the dark cloud hanging over my head that I never asked for. It’s the hollow ache in my chest because the sunshine has gone away. It’s a numbness, where sometimes I can’t feel a single thing. 

     Most of the time, I can ignore it. Because sometimes it’s not quite a prominent feature in my existence. Sometimes. So I just wanted to say that sometimes it is okay to not be okay. If you want to cry, shout, scream, hit something- then it is probably best to do that. 

     Sometimes, the sadness takes over and all I can see is black. It’s like that scene in Alice in Wonderland when she falls down the rabbit hole, and it looks like she’s never going to stop falling. That’s what it feels like to me. It feels like I’m falling, falling, falling into a black pit of nothingness. And sometimes, it’s all I can do not to start shrieking because I am so terrified. 

     I do not have the shrieking days often, most days it’s just a hollow feeling, self loathing and tears that won’t stop. I can always tell when I’m spiralling too, my warning signals can be obvious, to the right people.

    The first thing you need is a great support system. Even if it is just one person in your life who looks out for you, sometimes one person is all it takes. I can channel my emotions into my writing, so if I don’t feel like talking (which is quite often the case) then I still have a way to release my negative energy. 

    And yes, being sad is what you need sometimes. But don’t let it take over your life, don’t let it consume you. Because you’re a superstar, and nothing is going to take your light away. 

    On a sub note, my wonderful friend Chris is a YouTuber, and he recently made a video discussing sadness. I really think it’s worth a look, I’ve watched it at least a dozen times now and I’m so inspired. If you want to watch this video also, check the link below.

Thanks for checking in everyone 🙂 

Love letter/Suicide note?

Is this a love letter? where I’ll talk about;

the spectacular colours in your eyes,

and the mesmerising sound of your voice, 

and how the rhythm of your heart beat 

creates magenta patterns in my own. 

Where I’ll write your name in the finest ink

Is this a love letter?
Is this a suicide note?

Where I’ll talk about;

the bitter coldness in your eyes,

and the anger in your voice,

and how I cannot hear your heart beat

even with my head upon your chest.

Where I’ll write your name in my own blood

And crave every pain you could give me

Is this a suicide note? 

These are a few of my favourite things 

21 things that make me happy:

  • Every time Florence and Freya call me their best friend.
  • Salted caramel ice cream.
  • Being the big spoon.
  • Spring cleaning.
  • Funky hats.
  • Reading and writing poetry.
  • Hosting parties.
  • A great smile.
  • Making my parents proud.
  • Dippy egg and soldiers.
  • Being reunited with someone after a long time apart.
  • Live music.
  • Matching underwear.
  • Long walks.
  • Massive shopping sprees.
  • Picnics.
  • Watching movies.
  • The Beatles.
  • Eating peanut butter.
  • Creating new recipes.
  • Pastel hair. 

Friend zoned by a Feminazi

Friend zoned by a Feminazi

I do apologise, for telling you lies, about what I had in mind.

I talk too much, and smile as such, and you mean to wind me up.

A brief hug, this does not mean love, yet you still try to fit me like a glove.

You buy me drinks, too often wink, boy please just stop and think.

I say ‘stop’ and ‘can you not’ but you say ‘baby you’re so hot.’

I push you away, we call it a day, ‘you’re such a tease’ you always say.

You were my friend, but now it’ll end, because it was friendship you didn’t intend.

How naive was I, to think you a nice guy, to fuck me was all you would try. 

I didn’t know, this was part of a show, so now you need to go.

As we part ways, your mind will erase, the pain on my face, as I hid from your embrace. 

The secret to girl and guy friendship

Girl to guy friendships:
      I don’t think that a girl and a guy can be just friends. Maybe in the guy’s case, but definitely not the girls. 
     Let me para phrase. If you have a funny, good looking and charming young man, who is friends with a girl, at one point or another the girl would’ve had liked that guy as more than a friend, even if it was only for a short period of time. Or at the very least, she’s thought about him naked. 
     I suppose it does work in the other way too. If you have a pretty, kind and honest girl as a friend, I suppose a guy would also have felt more than friendship feelings towards her too. 
     From personal experience, I’ve been a girl that temporarily crushed on a friend of mine, and I’ve also been a girl who’s had a friend crush on me. 
      It doesn’t have to be feelings of love. It can honestly only be a quick thought wondering if he’s a good kisser, or is he’s the guy you’re going to marry, etc. 
     My friend Alec told me of this theory, and I can’t deny it. It’s so truthful. 
     And it is very common in film, television and books for relationships to blossom from friendships. Although this is very, very rare. A girl will watch a movie where the two friends end up together and wonder if her life will turn out that way too. Even if it is just a split second thought, it counts.
     Now there is absolutely no need to act upon these feelings. I never have, and my life is much much better for it. If I acted upon every single crush I had, I’d go from relationship to relationship to relationship. And most of the time the feelings won’t be reciprocated, because, well, you’re just friends. 
Let me clarify that this doesn’t happen to EVERY friendship. It is usually only if one person is universally attractive, charming and kind. It is very easy to get wires crossed in scenarios like these. 
     For example: Brenda has been friends with Tom for three years. Tom is a basketball player, with blonde hair, blue eyes and a very intelligent mind. Brenda is quirky, and a little geeky, but very kind and aesthetically pleasing to look at. (I know how shallow it is to rely on looks, but this is just an observation I’ve made in recent discoveries). One day Brenda and Tom are studying, and Tom is chewing on a pencil. Brenda makes eye contact with him, and suddenly is wondering what it would be like to kiss those lips. 
     There are two ways to deal with a situation like that: ignore it, because it is a fleeting emotion and it will pass. Or you can act on it, which will either work out in your favour or it won’t. Romantic comedies have taught women everywhere that it will always work out in the end, which is true, but it just may not work out in the way you’re expecting. 
     So the next time you think you’re ‘in love’ with your best friend, or a close friend, think about it. Because the truth is, you aren’t. And you could potentially destroy the best friendship of your life.
     I could’ve, but thank God I didn’t.